Daffodils or Dirt?

"To be able to express love is, of course, an ability, and to expand this ability it is necessary to practice continuously," wrote Shinichi Suzuki in Ability Development from Age Zero.

No one has ever expressed love to Mary Lennox. As a result, she dislikes everyone, and her cross, pinched demeanor makes others dislike her as well. Mary is the main character in Frances Hodgson Burnett's The Secret Garden, which my son Jack and I are reading for the literature class I teach at my homeschool co-op. The way the seasonal change from winter to spring reflects Mary's own change from a dour child into a girl with the ability to express love delights me every time I read the book. Up to this point in her life, Mary has acquired the ability to dislike, but as she discovers the gardens and a robin befriends her, she practices the ability to like and then to love. Slowly "she had begun to like the garden just as she had begun to like the robin and Dickon and Martha's mother. She was beginning to like Martha, too. That seemed a good many people to like--when you were not used to liking." Spring can also transform us if we let it.

Living as I do in western Washington, with the long winter nights and overcast days that feel only halfway light, I eagerly search for any sign of spring. It always boosts my spirits. In the book, the gardener Ben Weatherstaff tells Mary, "It's dull in th' winter when it's got nowt to do. In th' flower gardens out there things will be stirrin' down below in th' dark. Th' sun's warmin' 'em. You'll see bits o' green spikes stickin' out o' th' black earth after a bit." These green spikes will be crocuses and daffodils eventually. My children are the crocuses and daffodils in my life. As a mother, I hope that I can nurture my children's emerging spikes of potential by developing my own ability to express love.

All too frequently when I look at them, I tend to only notice the dirt they're growing in. By nature, I am a critic, not a positive person. Some days I dwell on all the things my children do wrong, don't know or can't do well until I feel that failure is the inevitable result of my efforts to rear and educate them. I usually try to keep these negative thoughts to myself, but I know they affect the atmosphere in my home. I want to break this cycle of negativity, and I have noticed that deliberately expressing my love for them and complimenting them on their strengths can change the pattern.

On Sunday, as I was reflecting about this, I decided to select one family member daily until Valentine's Day and write them a love note. In the notes, I'm trying to follow the advice on giving sincere compliments I found in Sheryl Eberly's 365 Manners Kids Should Know:

"Compliments and words of appreciation sound sincere if they start with and acknowledge specific actions: 'I loved the story you wrote. It made me laugh.' Gushing statements that start with you sound more like flattery ('You are so talented' or 'You're the best writer in the class'). People like to hear specific good things about themselves, not sweeping positive statements that they know aren't true all the time."

So I wrote to Tommy that I appreciated his good manners in holding the door open for me when I went into church.

I wrote to Katie that I loved listening to her teach her younger brother Luke how to sing "I'm Trying to Be Like Jesus."

I wrote to Jack that I enjoyed helping him prepare a report on Samuel Morse and the telegraph for his history class with Grandma.

I wrote to Karina that I loved hearing her sing at adjudications on Saturday. Even more, I loved accompanying her on the piano.

And I wrote to my husband Eric that I really value the fact that he probably does more housework than I do.

Focusing on their strengths and expressing my love for them has made a difference. I am noticing the shoots and leaves unfolding in the children who will one day be daffodils. As the foggy gray days of winter become longer and brighter--today I actually saw the sun--I will continue to practice expressing love. After all, Suzuki wrote, "If humans would recognize respect in each other and exchange expressions of love more, the world would be a brighter place."